"PPE for nonces and benders", says beautiful muscular Raab

The absence of Personal Protective Equipment (PPE) within the NHS has been revealed as a deliberate Government strategy pushed through by homoerotic Foreign Secretary and local hardman Dominic Raab. 

Citing his time as a Boxing Blue at Oxford University, Raab was scathing of the need for PPE when speaking to the press on Monday. 

"You didn't see me in the ring with headgear and a mouth-guard did you?", barked Raab at the assembled press, in a furious tirade punctuated only by occasional glances to the mirror to flex his guns in a manner sure to make Daily Mail columnists salivate. 

"Back then, you went in with nothing on and if you took a beating around the ring, well that's just the Oxford way". 

The self-styled 'Government Enforcer' explained, "I have a picture of Mohammed Ali on my wall and it's not just for show - you'd never hear of him asking for PPE would you? Just imagine! I Am THE GREATEST (but can I have a head-guard please?)"

"As far as I'm concerned, enough of the whining. PPE is for nonces and benders, and we definitely didn't have any of them at Oxford". 

Opposition leaders have been quick to criticise the muscular Tory Minister, suggesting PPE is essential for all NHS workers, who are often under-paid and placed in the COVID-19 firing line without adequate safeguards. 

"Fucking bollocks old chap", said Raab. "These remoaners need to grow a pair and face up to the challenge. We clap them every bloody Thursday, which is frankly exhausting for all of us. What do we get back in return? Complaints about shit pay, awful conditions and a lack of the most basic protective care."

"It's like we're not even out clapping and banging pots with spoons". 

"FUCK, I've left the Bucky in the freezer", best way out of awful video meetings, says study

With much of the UK in lockdown and conducting massively tedious work gatherings via online video links, millions of low-paid workers have been looking for ways to exit meetings without committing career suicide before a live audience of rampant executives sat in front of strategically-placed book collections.

Well, there is good news as experts at the University of Titchester have been able to exploit the massive security flaws in Zoom software to spy on millions of work meetings and devise a list of the most effective ways to bail out of an accounts-related chat which has run over by an hour or more.

Professor Harry Smiles explains the rationale behind the research: "Employees on a low wage are often dragged into long Strategic Planning Meetings (SPMs) which frankly mean fuck all to them and their pay grade does not justify being exposed to such rancid horseshit. This is magnified when the session has over-run significantly and BBC Sport has launched a poll to find the best left back to play for Ipswich Town in the last 12 years".

"It a real problem for many industries as employee engagement falls when people begin to dream of furlough and the many opportunities for casual masturbation around mid-afternoon. Our studies show this peaks when the 11:30am meeting hits what we academics call the 'Wankathon Threshold' - the point at which any rational low-level employee considers self-flagellation on camera as an entirely reasonable exit from a meeting".

To aid such employees, Professor Smiles and his team have analysed millions of hours of illegally-obtained but easily-available Zoom footage to develop a 'Quasi-Hexagonal Exit-Point Model (QHEPM)' which can identify the best ways for employees to get the fuck out of a video meet, just as Julian from HR asks, "Can we circle back for a moment".

Top of the list was for people to suddenly exclaim, "FUCK, I've left my Bucky in the freezer", then simply close their laptop. This gained maximum points on the QHEPM software for many reasons.

Professor Smiles explains, "Honestly, the phrase hits all the buttons it needs to hit. Basically it's a fucking belter. There is a sense of urgency, as clearly frozen Buckfast is no good to anyone. So it explains why the person has to exit now, rather than 'circle back' with Julian for what could easily be another hour of eyeball-popping wankery".

"Additionally, the use of swear words heighten the natural danger receptors in the brain - a primitive response we have inbuilt through years of fearing savage Glaswegian tribesmen - as most executives are afraid of people who can casually drop an expletive into a conversation".

Also, as Professor Smiles notes, "It is most effective in morning meetings. One of the main fears about exiting an online gathering suddenly is the prospect of recriminations for the employee, but the research proves this can be over-ridden by the fear of recriminations for the employer, who may end up in many days' worth of unbearable HR meetings via Skype".

"Line managers all have to undertake a standard 'Protection Against Radge Bastards Course' (PARBC) which explains that anyone who drinks Buckfast in the morning, and cares enough to ensure it is suitably cold for consumption, is highly likely to chib you outside your house as you put out your recycling on a Wednesday morning. So it is much better to allow them some Personal Development Time (PDT) away from the high-level strategy meetings, perhaps offering mindfulness sessions instead".

For those stuck in an endless feedback loop of utter shite, the University of Titchester team recommends the following top-five excuses for abruptly leaving an online meeting:

• FUCK, I've left my Bucky in the freezer
• SHIT, hang on, weren't the pigs supposed to eat him?? Why is he still alive??
• Bollocks guys, sorry, I think my daughter is stuck in the extractor fan again
• I'm going to have to go, as I've just looked out the window to see an unconscious tramp being sucked off by his dog and I need to get this on Snapchat like NOW
• Enough, I've got a to-do list longer than a fucking Leonard Cohen Song

Phrases to avoid include:

• I don't get paid nearly enough for this shit
• Honestly, I find it unfathomable that any of you dicks are actually employed, never mind running a company
• Ooooh, additional footage from Tiger King is online now, FUCK CAROLE BASKIN I HOPE SHE DIES
• You lot are about as much use as Anne Frank's drumkit 
• I'm bored of this, I'm off for a Twix