The absence of Personal Protective Equipment (PPE) within the NHS has been revealed as a deliberate Government strategy pushed through by homoerotic Foreign Secretary and local hardman Dominic Raab.
Citing his time as a Boxing Blue at Oxford University, Raab was scathing of the need for PPE when speaking to the press on Monday.
"You didn't see me in the ring with headgear and a mouth-guard did you?", barked Raab at the assembled press, in a furious tirade punctuated only by occasional glances to the mirror to flex his guns in a manner sure to make Daily Mail columnists salivate.
"Back then, you went in with nothing on and if you took a beating around the ring, well that's just the Oxford way".
The self-styled 'Government Enforcer' explained, "I have a picture of Mohammed Ali on my wall and it's not just for show - you'd never hear of him asking for PPE would you? Just imagine! I Am THE GREATEST (but can I have a head-guard please?)"
"As far as I'm concerned, enough of the whining. PPE is for nonces and benders, and we definitely didn't have any of them at Oxford".
"As far as I'm concerned, enough of the whining. PPE is for nonces and benders, and we definitely didn't have any of them at Oxford".
Opposition leaders have been quick to criticise the muscular Tory Minister, suggesting PPE is essential for all NHS workers, who are often under-paid and placed in the COVID-19 firing line without adequate safeguards.
"Fucking bollocks old chap", said Raab. "These remoaners need to grow a pair and face up to the challenge. We clap them every bloody Thursday, which is frankly exhausting for all of us. What do we get back in return? Complaints about shit pay, awful conditions and a lack of the most basic protective care."
"It's like we're not even out clapping and banging pots with spoons".
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